I gotta say, missing you comes in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

The Day My Dad Died
It was just a normal Monday – my dad, doing his favorite thing in the world to do..playing with my son Drake, and finding things to fix around the house.
There were no signs anything was wrong. No symptoms or complaints beforehand, or even chest pain. After an hour passed, I went to check on my dad in the shower and made the horrifying discovery of finding him on the ground and unresponsive. I frantically started CPR and called 911, with the SAFD arriving in just 3.5 minutes (what felt like an eternity), yet it was too late. Despite our best efforts, we lost my father that evening.
Going from a great day to immediately performing CPR in a desperate attempt to save his life is a trauma I continue to grapple with today. Did I get to him in time? Were my compressions hard and deep enough? I replay those moments over and over, riddled with the helpless feeling that even an immediate emergency response couldn’t bring him back. A regular Monday turned devastating in an instant, forever changing our family.
When EMS Arrived
The paramedics raced up the stairs to where I was still desperately performing CPR on my dad. Taking over compressions, they deployed the AED, but with no shock advised and his body already cool, they pronounced him deceased after 16 long minutes. It was determined he had a silent, sudden heart attack. The kind that makes you just drop.
In those agonizing moments, I begged for them to rush him to the hospital, clinging to some impossible hope. Beginning God to bring him back. But instead, police, detectives, and finally the medical examiner arrived over the next several excruciating hours to take my dad away. The images of him being removed from my home on a morgue stretcher haunt me; a scene no one is ever prepared to witness.



The Brutal Reality of Performing CPR That No One Talks About
Today marks one month since the day I performed CPR after finding him unresponsive and lost him. The loss of a dad is never easy.
Performing CPR is often dramatized on medical TV shows, with patients miraculously revived against all odds. But the reality is far from the polished depictions in Grey’s Anatomy…They don’t show the grief disorder or ptsd aftermath, especially when it comes to the death of a loved one. As someone who administered CPR on my own father, I can attest there is nothing majestic about the experience. The breaking of ribs, the blue lips and face as you pump oxygen into unresponsive lungs – it’s visceral and scarring. What’s more, the average survival rate for at-home, solo CPR attempts is extremely low, less than 10%
The Complicated Grief After Death
I’ve survived the first of many difficult milestones without him, but the severe PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder ptsd) and night terrors from that day continue to haunt me. Some nights when I close my eyes, I still feel the compressions under my hands as I prayed for a miracle and answer from God that never came. Most days are filled with heartache and the piercing, paralyzing trauma of losing my dad so suddenly.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe PTSD, panic attacks, and night terrors since that day, a constant reminder of the horror of seeing him lifeless no matter how hard I tried to bring him back. Then having to make another call to my mom to tell her he wasn’t coming home.
Triggers are everywhere, making the grief feel unbearable, and the determinants of complicated grief are haunting.. Each week without him feels like an eternity now. On this solemn anniversary, I’m seeking slight comfort in happy memories with my dad, yet it’s a long road ahead to find healing after such devastating loss. While time passes, I know the trauma will stay with me forever.
Chasing Light in the Darkness: Celebrating the Man my Dad Was
For over 25 years, my dad poured passion into his career as a tanker driver for Bell Fuels. But more importantly, he poured love into his roles as a devoted husband, amazing father, wonderful father-in-law to my husband, adoring grandfather, and kind-hearted friend.


Married for over 34 blissful years to my mom, the love of his life, they shared an unbreakable bond that was a true testament to the power of love and commitment. As a father, he poured his heart into the lives of his four children, and son-in-law, and all he ever wanted was to witness our happiness and success..
Becoming a grandfather to my son Drake was one of his greatest joys. Their daily “Muffins with Drake” was a treasured routine, his face lighting up whenever he spoke of Drake. His unwavering support during Drake’s challenges reflected his compassion. While in Texas, he attended every single therapy and drs appointment..even the day that he died.
Retiring in 2020 to be there for me and to support Drake while my husband was away showed his incredible dedication as a father and a grandfather. He attended every therapy session with Drake, constantly researching and learning to provide the best support possible. His belief was that Drake didn’t need to learn to communicate in our way, but that everyone else should learn to communicate with Drake..exemplifying his compassionate and understanding nature.
My dad was a helping hand to anyone in need, so kind and generous, no matter who you were or how long he knew you. His resourcefulness knew no bounds, as he believed in fixing everything himself, often turning to YouTube to learn new skills.
He leaves a legacy of instilling resilience, the true meaning of hard work, and the importance of love and forgiveness. As the biggest cheerleader, he inspired us to try our best and find strength in the face of challenges.
As I navigate life without him, I can’t help but remember something he once told me during a low point in my life..to have faith in the sunrise. He reminded me that the sun will rise again tomorrow, even if right now it feels like the worst thing in the world and we all feel like it’s the end of the world..The sun will rise again offering hope and the promise of a new day.






In my next post, I’ll create a frequently asked questions page about conducting CPR at home along with some resources everyone should know.
Leave a Reply