Could EMDR therapy even help me? July 29, 2023. That was the day I almost took my life. Just five days earlier, I had experienced one of the most harrowing moments of my life—attempting and failing to revive my father through CPR.
The aftermath? The guilt of not being able to save him consumed me, flashbacks haunted my days, and night terrors disrupted my sleep. This period marked the darkest chapter of my life, I was barely above water. Medication after medication and failed therapist after therapist, I always questioned what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I move on and heal like everyone else? It would be a few months until I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD.

What is EMDR Therapy?
EMDR Therapy stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy. It’s much different than talk therapy and involves focusing on traumatic memories using bilateral eye movement/stimulation through side-to-side eye movements, hand tapping, or auditory tones. The idea is to activate the brain’s innate healing ability, enabling it to process and integrate traumatic experiences.

I first heard of EMDR therapy when my PCM suggested it after consulting with colleagues about my case. I was very hesitant, as I already didn’t like talk therapy, and thought this was some crazy sci-fi stuff. How was watching a ball move back and forth on a screen going to magically heal my PTSD? What if it made me even worse? At this point, my options were EMDR Therapy or be registered in a DoD MDMA study. I decided to give the EMDR a chance.
My Experience with EMDR Therapy: What Are Sessions Like?
Finding an EMDR therapist can be extremely difficult, especially if you have Tricare. It’s very important to find someone who knows what they’re doing. EMDR Therapy done the wrong way can be very damaging and cause the brain to shut down completely, risking a dissociative disorder.
I found an EMDR therapist who was experienced with PTSD/Trauma victims. I was very skeptical of the entire process at first, especially hearing very mixed reviews. EMDR could either change your life…or completely destroy it. As the flashbacks intensified and started to become more frequent, I completely stopped leaving my house. The world was now a dangerous place, and my existing OCD became unbearable.
The first session was similar to talk therapy where the therapist asked me questions about my life and the trauma I experienced. We also started discussing coping strategies that I could use when in panic. At the start of therapy, I was on over 3mg a day of Clonazepam (Klonopin), which is a very addictive benzodiazepine.
During the second and third sessions, we continued to go over coping techniques and the EMDR equipment was introduced. The therapist had me create a “safe place,” which at first, was extremely difficult for me to do. My brain was lacking any sort of imaginative skills. What do you see? What do you hear? Do you feel anything? Do you smell anything?

I then created a “safe word” to use for my brain to pull up that safe space. The purpose of the “safe place” was to give me somewhere safe to go to mentally when I started to panic — This is one of the calming techniques used in EMDR when the anxiety level becomes too high.
Three months into therapy, I was finally to a point where the therapist thought it was safe to attempt the EMDR. It would start with recalling a specific detail/emotion/event that happened during the trauma. Almost like a train stopping at each station, but instead it was a new piece of the memory that the brain hadn’t properly processed yet. After I had the detail, the therapist would say “focus on that.” I would then focus on it as I watched the ball move back and forth across the screen.
I’m not going to lie, the first session was incredibly difficult. It felt like I was there in the present reliving trying to save my dad. We had to stop the session after my brain got stuck on a specific detail that I would see in flashbacks + night terrors…how my dad’s face looked. I had a full blown panic attack during the session and we worked through the calming techniques + my rescue meds to put me back into a safe place. I was exhausted and slept for the rest of the day/night.
At first, I thought I was never going to go back to EMDR and that was it for me..But, the next day something in my brain changed. I could no longer pull up my dad’s face at all. It’s almost like a blurred out censor instead, which means the EMDR is actually working.
Is EMDR The Right Therapy For PTSD?
It’s honestly hard to say this early on. I’ll update everyone on my progress going through the sessions. PTSD often feels very isolating (it’s exactly how I feel). But, please know that you aren’t alone. If you’re grappling with similar struggles, know that there are resources available to help. Remember, taking the first step towards seeking help is a sign of strength.. not weakness.
- National Center for PTSD (www.ptsd.va.gov)
- EMDR International Association (www.emdria.org)
- The National Mental Health Hotline (866-903-3787 )
- Save a Warrior (https://saveawarrior.org)
Leave a Reply